I was given a challenge one day to clean up a relationship. I immediately thought to myself, “I am good I don’t have any relationship I need to so call, “clean up.” I had a close friend gently tell me that I in fact I did have a relationship to clean up. This good friend told me I was stubborn and basically I should get over myself. My immediate reaction was defensiveness and to tell him who does he think he is telling me what I should do. My ego was in the lead in this situation.
About a month passed and during this month I thought about my best friend the best friend that I felt had wronged me. That her actions had really hurt my feelings and I was justified in ending it because she in fact did hurt my feelings. My best friend asked me if there was anything she could do to make it right. I gave her a flat out, “No,” that I was done. As I reflected on this I was also meditating on the word, “Love.”
My inner being confronted me asking the question, “Is it possible to love without expectation?” I started to realize that I have loved with condition and I had also uncovered a core belief that I have to earn love. If I can help you, give you what you want and I am there for you no matter what then you will love me. In intimate relationships if I do what you want even though I don’t want too, including sleep with you then you will love me. I expect that if I do these things for you then you are required to love me I EXPECT it because I earned it.
My friend that I had severed the relationship with I really did miss. I missed talking to her and laughing with her. I let my feelings and expectations of her allow me to stop loving her. To not accept her with where she was. That the truth is that I made her responsible for my feelings.
I also placed high expectations on her and put her in a place to fulfill a need in me. This in reality is not her job. I am responsible for my own needs and I am responsible for how I feel. During my practice of meditation, I realized that it is possible to feel love from within myself and I knew what I had to do.
I called a mutual friend and I asked him to set up a coffee date with my best friend so that I could see her. I went to the store and I bought her flowers. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I had no idea what she would say or do and I let go of expectations. I felt love for her that no matter what she did or didn’t do I felt love for her.
I hugged her and gave her the flowers. I told her I loved her and that I was stubborn. That I don’t hold her responsible for my feelings. I owned up to my need to be right. I told her that my life was different because of her that she is one of the main reasons I counsel and coach others. I am appreciative of her every day. It was a special moment with thank you’s, tears and I love you …with acceptance.
How do YOU love?